Puttin’ on the Ritz

It’s time for afternoon tea at the Ritz
For our alien neighbours from Mars;
They’ve heard the songs of its glamour and glitz
So zipped over to mingle with stars.

They’ve dressed the part in their high hats and furs
Look a million dollars top drawer;
The lavish service, the ‘madams’ and ‘sirs’
Makes them feel like they’re worth even more.

“Champagne? Why yes, that is just what we need”
So the pop of a cork fills the air;
They clink and drink, this is good stuff indeed,
Not the kind you can find anywhere.

Some music starts: it is Irving Berlin,
He is playing the piano nearby;
They catch his eye, he responds with a grin
And a wink that no money can buy.

He takes backseat as the dancing begins
Here come Ginger and Fred to the floor;
Electric tapping on rapidfire pins
It’s the type that demands an encore.

They’re really having a wonderful time
Just surrounded by opulent grace;
Expense be damned, they would spend every dime,
They could scrimp when they went back to space.

Their thoughts then turned towards something to eat,
They were quick to decide in a whizz;
“Some strawberry shortcake, delicious and sweet,
Won’t you bring some to us with more fizz.”

The waitress blanched, she was sorely aghast,
The request made her weak at the knees;
“I’m sorry sir, we have just served our last
We’ve peach shortcake instead if you please.”

In awkward silence ten seconds passed by
As the truth of the matter sunk in;
This wouldn’t do, how could Earthlings deny
Them their cake, when they’d starved themselves thin?

Distraught and angry they stormed out the place
To the saucer they’d parked on the roof;
Incensed, they lasered the hotel from space
So it vanished from sight in a <<poof>>

They Live by Night

From a sleep I awake
With a terrible ache
In my head from events sometime past;
Where I am I can’t tell
As I’m blindfolded well,
But I seem to be travelling fast.

As I start to take stock
It then comes as a shock
When the shroud is removed from my eyes;
With my vision restored
I can see I’m on-board
A car travelling north, I surmise.

In the front sits a blonde
She’s a bombshell, beyond
Any creature I’ve seen in my days;
There’s a white-capped chauffeur
At the wheel next to her,
On the road he’s affixed his steel gaze.

In the back seat I’m pressed,
While I’m held at arrest,
By the toadies on each side of me;
The reality looms-
I’ve been kidnapped by shrooms!
How the hell did this happen to me?

[Cut to flashback]

I remember I’d been
A bit drunk and bit green
At a party in Hollywood Hills;
Amid starlets and harlots,
Producers with full guts,
She sparkled and gave me the thrills.

It all started so well
When I met Chanterelle,
She was charming and full of sweet smiles;
The whole evening seemed magic
But quickly turned tragic,
My downfall: her feminine wiles.

In my ear she had purred
So my mind quickly whirred,
More seductive than any wildcat;
While I’d hoped for a quickie
She’d slipped me a mickey-
I blacked out in five seconds flat.

[Fade to black]

[…]

[Fade in to present]

My anxiety grew
Cos I hadn’t a clue
What awaited me next in this scrape;
As their prisoner now,
I must work out quite how
To distract them and make my escape.

Yet there wasn’t the chance
For a plan to advance
As the car came to stop in a wood;
When they forced me straight out
There was then little doubt-
They had brought me out here for no good.

For right there was a grave,
Where my life I would waive,
I’d be food for their kith and their kin;
In this damp lonely place
They would leave no last trace-
Their mycelium enwrapping my skin.

You can guess what transpired
When a gun was then fired,
Yes they killed me to no ones surprise;
With a shot to the head
They all left me for dead,
My last thought was these sure weren’t fun guys.

[Pan and fade out on a bucolic moonlit forest scene]

Will

I stand at number forty nine
It’s now seven twenty two,
Vincent Vega riding shotgun
I’ve my nine milly with me too.

When Marvin unbolts the door,
Here’s homeboys Roger and Brett;
They sure pissed off Marcellus,
It’s time they paid their debt.

But first let’s share some breakfast
It’s come from Big Kahuna,
You know, the Hawaiian joint–
Now that’s a tasty burger.

I wash it all down
The Sprite hits the spot
The shit’s under the bed
That’s it: jackpot.

Bang, goodbye Roger,
Brett, don’t fucking say what–
I double dare you,
You deserve this next shot.

Now for Ezekiel
Twenty-five, seventeen;
It seems appropriate
For your final scene.

Bang bang bang bang bang bang
Was it the will of the divine?
No, this is no miracle–
This is my design.