Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
In the case I present here to you
I describe how a wicked conspiracy
Caused the victim to vanish from view.

All seven accused were responsible
For abducting the doctor this week;
Yes I know you will think it improbable,
So I’ll tell you about their technique.

Every day, one of the accused would call
On the doctor to poison his tea;
When he took a sip he was held in thrall-
As their prisoner he couldn’t go free.

In this frozen state he was kept for years,
Til long forgotten by all of his peers;
Falling victim to murder one homicide
When at last critically poisoned he died.

So the seven stand trial for what they’ve done,
There’s the three who all quickly confessed:
Bad Ben Davis, Malinda and Jonathan-
They came clean when placed under arrest.

There’s Lord Derby, the foppish socialite,
Who’s not showing a sign of regret;
While young Rosemary Russet, once lily-white,
Is just trying her best to forget.

Angry Paula Red, has an axe to grind,
And they cower whenever she swings;
But behind it all, is the mastermind:
Dear old Granny Smith pulling the strings.

So ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
All the evidence says that they’re guilty;
There can be no doubt, for it’s true what they say:
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

They Live by Night

From a sleep I awake
With a terrible ache
In my head from events sometime past;
Where I am I can’t tell
As I’m blindfolded well,
But I seem to be travelling fast.

As I start to take stock
It then comes as a shock
When the shroud is removed from my eyes;
With my vision restored
I can see I’m on-board
A car travelling north, I surmise.

In the front sits a blonde
She’s a bombshell, beyond
Any creature I’ve seen in my days;
There’s a white-capped chauffeur
At the wheel next to her,
On the road he’s affixed his steel gaze.

In the back seat I’m pressed,
While I’m held at arrest,
By the toadies on each side of me;
The reality looms-
I’ve been kidnapped by shrooms!
How the hell did this happen to me?

[Cut to flashback]

I remember I’d been
A bit drunk and bit green
At a party in Hollywood Hills;
Amid starlets and harlots,
Producers with full guts,
She sparkled and gave me the thrills.

It all started so well
When I met Chanterelle,
She was charming and full of sweet smiles;
The whole evening seemed magic
But quickly turned tragic,
My downfall: her feminine wiles.

In my ear she had purred
So my mind quickly whirred,
More seductive than any wildcat;
While I’d hoped for a quickie
She’d slipped me a mickey-
I blacked out in five seconds flat.

[Fade to black]


[Fade in to present]

My anxiety grew
Cos I hadn’t a clue
What awaited me next in this scrape;
As their prisoner now,
I must work out quite how
To distract them and make my escape.

Yet there wasn’t the chance
For a plan to advance
As the car came to stop in a wood;
When they forced me straight out
There was then little doubt-
They had brought me out here for no good.

For right there was a grave,
Where my life I would waive,
I’d be food for their kith and their kin;
In this damp lonely place
They would leave no last trace-
Their mycelium enwrapping my skin.

You can guess what transpired
When a gun was then fired,
Yes they killed me to no ones surprise;
With a shot to the head
They all left me for dead,
My last thought was these sure weren’t fun guys.

[Pan and fade out on a bucolic moonlit forest scene]

The Rest of Me

I live inside the forest
Camping among the trees
In nature’s lap I rest my head
Peaceful, relaxed, at ease

I camp inside the forest
Hiding within my den
Now safe, secure, I rest alone
Fearful of other men

I hide inside the forest
Running from what I’ve done
Observant, still, I rest my hand
Ready with loaded gun

I run into the forest
Dying with every breath
In fleeing from arrest, I’m shot
Feeling the grip of death

I die inside the forest
Living no longer more
I’ll take my final rest right here
Silently on its floor

Becoming Less Verbal

You turned to me in desperation
So I spun you a tale of my past;
My old quartet my inspiration
For events now reframed and recast.

A great big fish you hoped to hook
But your eyes couldn’t see the whole truth;
The perpetrator you mistook,
My performance, affected uncouth.

With Dean you were a man obsessed
So my story convinced, I’m now free;
Let every last detail attest-
You are simply not smarter than me.

You missed your shot like other men
Now you’ll never hear from me again.


I stand at number forty nine
It’s now seven twenty two,
Vincent Vega riding shotgun
I’ve my nine milly with me too.

When Marvin unbolts the door,
Here’s homeboys Roger and Brett;
They sure pissed off Marcellus,
It’s time they paid their debt.

But first let’s share some breakfast
It’s come from Big Kahuna,
You know, the Hawaiian joint–
Now that’s a tasty burger.

I wash it all down
The Sprite hits the spot
The shit’s under the bed
That’s it: jackpot.

Bang, goodbye Roger,
Brett, don’t fucking say what–
I double dare you,
You deserve this next shot.

Now for Ezekiel
Twenty-five, seventeen;
It seems appropriate
For your final scene.

Bang bang bang bang bang bang
Was it the will of the divine?
No, this is no miracle–
This is my design.

The Slow Truth

I’m sure you know the one about
The tortoise and the hare;
But what I think I ought to say
Is how it wasn’t fair.

The hare was fed a dodgy dish
That made him rather sick;
He really couldn’t run his race
Thanks to this cunning trick.

The tortoise cheated, that’s the truth!
He did it out of need
To show that slowness was the best:
More haste instead of speed.